toxicating.com

St. Valentine’s; yet another one of those special holidays that doesn’t end well. I think Deane was asleep when I left, she must have, she had taken a sleeping pill a while ago. Now I write because I realized that she pointed out something that is very true: I am not willing to make any effort for anyone, and I disguise this banal and dishonorable feature with a posture of unconventionality. What an impostor!

I didn’t realize, but she is right. That’s why I didn’t bring anything to my family in my last visit to Lima, after two years of not seeing them, I only brought a bottle of advil for my mother. Your presence per se is not a treat, Lucas.

… I didn’t buy flowers, didn’t write a card, even though I thought many times about stopping by the store to get Deane some flowers… I also forgot to say happy valentine’s day, good night.

A friend of mine has had a crush on my girlfriend for a couple of years. He tries to schedule lunch with her every now and then; he sometimes succeeds and, for one hour every now and then, she witnesses his attempts to sound quirky, attractive, perhaps sensitive. The world may not be so bad at all, he thinks after he comes back to his office, starry-eyed.

He doesn’t know she is my girl.

On Friday he sends her an email; I’m not privy to the body of the message, I just know he splutters something like “… and this is a song I really LOVE…”, yes, in capitals, and then a link. Amusing. At home, she and I follow the link and the lyrics begin:

When the darkness takes me over
Face down, emptier than zero
Invisible you come to me
..quietly
Stay beside me
Whisper to me “Here I am”
And the loneliness fades

And the words only get worse and worse and worse. I am still amused, but not very happy, especially because I am having coffee with him on Sunday; “let’s catch up, I haven’t seen you in months!”, he had said.

I go and tell him I have an amazing lover, the most sexual person I have ever met and will ever meet. He congratulates me. “I’m planning to start a family. I think my wife is the woman of my life”, he says and sips some espresso.